Dealing with Death

This is never an easy topic to address with a class, especially when it hits home. In the fall semester, one of our 8th grade girls lost her mother after a long illness. While her class always knew it was a possibility, the reality of the event and the shock of grief was felt for weeks after. Just today we found out that one of our 6th grade girls lost her father over the weekend--murdered at gunpoint during a robbery. Awful. Truly, truly awful. How do we address it when we as cleverly disguised and responsible adults don't even know how to comprehend it?

The hardest part comes in telling the kids. You have just gotten the worst news a teacher could possibly have to give his or her class, and now you have to figure out a way to tell a group of kids who are looking to you for cues on how to react.



Older kids will generally react however they feel they should. For example, in the case of the 8th grade student I mentioned, her close friends grieved and cried because they were close to the situation. Classmates felt sorry and acted awkwardly: signed cards with awkward messages, gave her sad, awkward smiles when she returned to school, and basically treated her like normal when they felt they could. Few people spoke to her as openly as her close friends, almost like they were afraid she'd break or cry if they said the wrong thing.

As a general rule girls show more emotion than boys. Junior high boys are "tough" and don't show signs of weakness if they can help it. In my opinion it's one part socialization, one part self-consciousness, and one part cluelessness.

Telling a group of kids some really bad news can also be dictated by your principal. My old boss preferred the teachers to deliver the bad news, my current boss usually tells the class with the teacher in the room. My old boss also didn't think it was appropriate to show much emotion in front of your class--preferred to keep the teacher/student barrier at all times, especially in moments of weakness and didn't think it was appropriate to let students see you "weak" or crying. I think that it's okay for students to see some emotion from their teacher. I'm not talking flat out bawling and screaming on the floor, but it's emotional to lose anyone, let alone a parent who might be involved in coaching or leading activities at the school. Particularly if said student is a great kid--great grades, popular, involved, respectful. That means parent-teacher conferences are always positive and filled with more "How are you doing" and less "Your kid needs to turn in more of her work." It can be tough for teachers to lose that parent and partner in education as well.

I don't really have "advice" per say. The best I can give is to deal with it by reading your class. Even if the student dealing with grief isn't popular or always on the good side of the principal, every student will have a response and will feel something for the student. It's important to make sure the students know what happened, but not necessarily all the details. You don't want them to be so caught up in "what happened" that they forget a friend is hurting. Remind the students that their friend will need all the friendship she can get upon her return to school. Not necessarily overwhelm her with hugs and "How are yous" but to remember that if she's not her normal self they shouldn't be offended. For the student who lost a parent, she may be glad for a return to normalcy and a schedule. By going to science class she can forget for a few minutes that her world has been forever changed.

In my experience it's important to let the students talk about it if they need to. While you are confused and upset, so are they, and even moreso. Adults can be upset and confused and say, "Gosh life is so unfair." Students don't recognize the gray area of life and will demand to know why and how. They'll want and need to talk to get their emotions sorted out. When a student is out due to a death in the family is probably one of the best times to talk it out. When a student returns after such an ordeal it's time for healing and returning to whatever is closest to normal. Even sharing memories and remembering the good things about the deceased is a step in the right direction.



However, talking about it too much can hurt. Students can't spend the whole day in class talking about their grief. Generally, the state and/or school district frowns on that because it takes away from test preparation (sad as that is). Giving students the outlet to talk is great, but make sure to pull in those discussions and transition into another topic. It's awkward and sometimes unwanted, but eventually you'll talk yourselves into a circle. In my opinion, a change of subject or venue allows students a little time to process and they can work through their grief a little at a time instead of all at once.

Counselors, for anyone, are a great resource. Even students who don't normally see a counselor can benefit from talking to someone far more versed in this subject than I am.

If your school allows, attending a funeral service for the family is a beautiful gesture. Since I work at a Catholic school, we are fortunate enough to have a church attached to our school. The 8th grade attended their classmate's mother's funeral service earlier this year, and while she couldn't or didn't thank each student personally, it was (I'm assuming) comforting to her to have friends present during a difficult time.


It's also helpful for a class and for the grieving student to make and send a card for the family. Students have the chance to write down what they need to say, and even if the grieving student hasn't yet returned to school, it's helpful and positive for them to know that their class is thinking of them at this difficult time. It might be hard for them to read at first and if they don't say thank you it's nothing personal. It's hard to say "thanks for being there" when you've gone through something traumatic, especially when you're young.



This is a really general post and not overly specific. I'm trying to protect the anonymity of my students while also sharing stories of what worked for us and what didn't. It's always different for every school and every student. It's also important to note that I'm still learning on the job everyday. Hopefully we don't need to deal with this for quite some time. Also, there's no guarantee that all these strategies that worked for us will work again. If anyone new to teaching reads this, hopefully it offers some tips and insight into handling death within your classroom.