A recap of sorts

Oy. That pretty much sums up the last week. It's been an oy kind of week.

If life works out splendidly for me, I'm going back to grad school full time. If life works out unsplendidly for me, I'm going to work here full time next year (provided I can) and go to school part-time. I DON'T want to take out loans to do it, but I will if I have to. I don't want to wait much longer or I'll be starting a family sometime after I'm 30, and while I'm okay with that, I think I might be the only one. My husband doesn't want to wait that long (neither do I) and in order for us to start a family sooner rather than later, I need to go to grad school. I can't put off doing what I want to do forever, or I'll never do it and always regret that I did it.

Anyway...the last few days.

I've got posts of Monday and Tuesday up, so you can read those for yourself. Tuesdays classes were okay. I enjoyed meeting the new kids and getting used to a new routine. I had fun introducing them to a new set of skills. I made another kid cry on Tuesday, but I've accepted the fact that I'll always make kids cry. Whatever.

I wasn't ready for work on Monday, but that was fine with me. I'm never ready on the first day and I never have to be. I was, however, ready for my first class on Tuesday. I've been ready since then. I didn't push myself to be ready either, because I knew I had another 24 hours to get ready.

On Wednesday, I got to school and checked my email. About 10 minutes before I meet the 5th grade for the first time, I read an email from my boss. It was, to say the least, jarring.

I won't C&P the email here, but it definitely wasn't worded well. Basically, it stated that I've been scattered and "brusque an curt" with my coworkers and that I seemed unhappy here. Also, it stated that my "leaving at 3:30" made my boss wonder how well I was handling the new job description. It ended with, "Please see me."

To say that I almost lost it right then and there doesn't even come close. I started shaking and tearing up. But I obviously didn't have time to see my boss right then and there. I had 10 minutes to shake myself straight before I met the 5th grade.

Well, that didn't happen. I plugged through that class. I was okay with the 6th grade. By the end of the morning I had managed to forget that my boss was pissed at me and I was able to get through my morning.

Rather than go see my boss right away, I chose to see her at the end of the day. I had no idea what to even expect, so I busied myself in "my office" and managed to do a little more to occupy myself. When I was ready, I pulled together 10 pages of press releases, letters, and other things I'd worked on in just 2 afternoons. I made copies and brought them down with me. I figured that if my boss was going to tell me that I "wasn't handling" the job well that I could throw down those 10 pages and say, "You want MORE than this in just 2 days?" Sure 10 pages is nothing for a marketing director at a firm, but our school is a small operation. 10 pages is pretty damn good for 2 afternoons.

Anyway, my boss told me that 2 of my colleagues and 2 parents came to her and told her ON MONDAY AFTERNOON that I didn't seem happy and I wasn't smiling and blah blah blah. That's when I lost it. First of all, I told my boss that I'd been trying to get myself settled in my office and get myself ready for the week. I was unable to do that in part because my colleagues kept finding me for tech problems. One such colleague started bothering me a week before because she'd managed to unplug every cord in her classroom and completely disconnected herself from the network. Then she wanted to be online AT THAT MOMENT and got disgruntled when I couldn't help her. She chose to bother me all. freaking. day. on Monday until she got her way. When she didn't, she ran to my boss to tell her I was "unhappy" and "mean". At least, that's what I suspect. As for another colleague, my boss has the tendency to find other people to either back up or refute her suspicions, so if she asked someone else who'd found me on Monday, they probably would have said the same thing.

And let me say that if I was "curt", it was probably deserved. First of all, I fixed everyone's tech issues before I could open my lesson plan book. Second, not one of them said thank you. Out of all these "colleagues" of mine, no one said thank you. Not one. Third, for whatever reason I had a killer headache on Monday and it lasted throughout the week. So yes, I wasn't happy on Monday but I really didn't see a reason to be. And I wasn't prepared, but it wasn't as if I didn't try to be or at least give off the impression that I was.

My boss was pretty surprised that no one said thank you. "Are you sure?" I told her that I'd started looking for SOMEONE to say thank you and I think I got one mumbled from a kid when I held the door open. Yeah, so exactly why should I be nice and doormatty for my coworkers when they aren't going to say thank you for putting their needs ahead of my own?

THEN I chose to address the "leaving early" issue. We (my husband and I) are a one-car family. It isn't necessarily by choice (we wouldn't be if we didn't have the car payment and if my car hadn't been stolen a year before our wedding) but it's been pretty fantastic and has worked out for the most part. Because I work further away, I take the car to work most mornings. I drop off my husband when it's raining or snowing or he has a lot to carry on a particular day. I pick him up for the same reasons. He works in the public schools, and because of all their red tape and silly rules here in Chicago, he can't legally be in his building after 4 p.m. If he is he gets kicked out, and if he chooses to stay the school and the district isn't liable for anything that happens to him after that time. It's dumb, but he's gotta get out by that time. So I HAVE to leave at 3:45 to get him. I don't have a choice.

When I explained that for my boss, I think she felt bad. I'm okay with that. The insinuation that I'm not doing my job or not handling my job is too much for me. It's one thing if I'm leaving at 3:00 and nothing's getting done. It's another if I'm leaving when I have to.

The other thing about that is that my predecessor used to leave around 3:30 everyday and no one said a word to her about it. So she left earlier and it was okay (probably because she wasn't teaching) but I stay later and it's NOT okay? B.S.

So my boss is fine with me leaving "early" now. That's a relief. If she wasn't, she'd have to deal, or I'd be taking the bus home at night, which is fine but isn't always safe in this neighborhood after dark.

But anyway....basically, my boss said that I was "frazzled" (duh...it's practically my name) and "unprepared" and that I seemed stressed. YES. I was stressed. I had to deal with my stuff, everyone else's crap, tech issues, AND find a way to be busy in that new office. So yes, I was stressed. And I was pretty okay with that until someone "tattled on me."

And yes, the whole school knows. Why? Because I work in a gossipy place. Teachers are really no better than students.

Everyone's been walking on eggshells around me for the past week. Bonus: no one's bothering me with stupid stuff. Minus: I'm pretty sure everyone now thinks I'm a ticking time bomb. The few friends (or coworkers I'm friendly with) around here have been staying away. It's possible that I inadvertently gave them the brush off last week. But here's the deal: if you're worried about me (my boss says that's the reason people approached her), why not ask ME if I'm okay? I would have been honest and said, "No, my head is killing me today." Or, "Yeah, I'm not at my best but I'll be fine tomorrow." Instead I've got to deal with damage control.

I was furious when I went home on Wednesday. I felt betrayed by my coworkers and I felt as though my boss didn't think I was doing my job. She DID say that she never once regretted her decision to hire me (very green, very under-prepared, and with zero experience working with small kids) which helped. But I'm still stinging, and that happened a week ago. I SHOULD let it go and move on, but I can't. I feel like my every move is being watched and analyzed. My boss has asked me everyday since our meeting "how I'm feeling." Well, today is Monday and I'm feeling a bit frantic but I feel that way every Monday. I feel that way all the time! No I'm not prepared YET but I will be. My Mondays are always rough.

Oy. Last week was over and I feel a million times better this week. However, the week is still young. I'm guarding myself against another comment or something. I can almost promise that'll happen, but hopefully I'll be able to deal with it and not break some skulls or something.